Crank It

I want it to be a weekday. Because then I know pretty much all of my neighbours will be gone to work.

And then I shall turn the music on REALLY loud.

I had it really loud, for blaze of glory.. but have turned it down for the rest of the playlist. I've been a bit deprived of loud music since school finished. Usually have company in the car now.

I need to feel the pounding though. It's a happy place. Head can't think if the music is pounding. That's a Very nice place to be.

The day has come, the day is almost gone. Sean has come, sean has gone.

I... really wish there could have been a third person here as well.. I don't know that I know what I'm doing. What feels right seems to go against what other people feel I should do. And I care about these people and respect their positions and opinions. And I know they care a geat deal about the kids and I, and just want to see us safe and happy.

I.. I love him Very deeply. I can't just walk away from it. I have tried, I can't. There's always Something that brings me back. I Try not to read something into Everything but..

He was brought back into my life at a time when I finally had stuff together. I had my liscence, I had finished gr 12, had EA certificate, was working towards BofA... Which.. I think I'm going to keep headed towards. Yes, this first year was... not good. But there was a lot going on, and I know that stuff is always going to happen, but.. the Sean thing was a HUGE issue. Josh didn't help. Car didn't help. The babysitter dance, didn't help. Plus, now I realize some things about myself, that had made getting assignments done, and done well, difficult, that had nothing to do with any of the above.

But, basically, it was a good time for me personally. I was stable. I knew i could do it on y own, kind of thing. I didn't feel like I needed him to "save" me. I wanted to be with him, to be with him.

The lack of honesty is what put it all up in a heaval. And it just kept falling apart after that. With both parties responsible for the continued decay.

At times when I felt the most lost.. well, ok, in the mid to late winter there were three occasions of the same repeated event. Fog.

Oh that fog *shudder*

The fog was Always at it's thickest at the two corners where I had to turn. I had to just hope and pray there was no one coming when I turned It was the one time I hesitated that I almost was hit by a semi. So now I remind myself when it's most dark for me... Remember the Fog.

Driving for the first time to Sean's apartment. I was That close to just turning around. Panic and such was high.. and... my brake line went -.-

I went to the city to leave san his picture, and his blanket. Well, I went to talk to him, but he wasn't there, I got Extra angry, and was going to drop his stuff and leave. And when I went to start my car... Nothing. Foobarred the ignition coil or whatever in such a way that a mechanic who's been doing it for How long says he's Never seen that happen before. A double charge going through instead of a single. Melted. Green goo.. had to wait not only for Sean to show up, but to drive me home. Anyone else I could have called, if I had actually ahd their number, would have already been in bed, or were still gone for easter break.

I figure today was c'est fini for the situation, I made some sort of peace with that idea.. annnd the soundtrack radio station I've been listening to all week suddenly plays highlander. Twice in one evening.

Dude.

Plus Feeling like walking away, yes, gets me away from the pain, to some extent.. but.. is avoidance not what is to be done. (trying to avoid "shoulds" "shoulds" are perfectionisms .. lol)

He says they are just friends now. I've asked that the three of us could talk. Then I know everyone is on the same page. I.. don't now how much talking *I* will be able to do, lol.. so I may have to write stuff down before hand. I can feel the anxiety just at the Thought of it. Tryin' to talk myself down, lol. But I know knowing that everyone is on the same page will help me. For better or worse.

I have to try harder not to push. To keep away the crazy. Because it was excessive. I'm not willing to asy it was unjustified, I think there was justification to be upset. But the handling of was not so great.

You know.. I had Such a great plan all worked out at the start... I really wish I had stuck to it. I think things could have gone a lot better if I had... well... except for that whole lie thing.. see.. that glitches things every time. I think if I had stuck to the plan, the revelation of the lie would have ended everything right then and there though. My heart wouldn't have been as involved. But that might have been a good thing.. I don't know. It's really kind of pointles to say how things 'Should' have been done. Hindsight is Always 20/20. But my plan involved counselling.

I think I'm holding on until that. Until that third uninvolved opinion.

I'm so uncertain of myself on a Good day... and that he's even willing to go should say something, right? I hope so. He was/is willing for me to have support here as well should I so choose. Maybe that would be good as well. But that could backfire as well. I don't know.

Movement and working towards something makes me feel better though.. To some extent anyway.

We went to Rosthern park. Had hot doggies. Had another fine example of my tendency to just do not working out Quite as well as I anticipate.. had to bbq with sticks.. didn't have any proper tools for the job *sigh* no plates for the food *sigh* I wanted it to be a surprise. To be a fun surprise for everyone. Kinda screwed myself a bit on that one. Sean rescued it, but... yeah. It could have been done proper the First time.

lol, I'm going to start beating myself up soon. *sigh*

I'm still such a mess of feelings and thoughts at the moment. Fixing oneself is Stressssful.

Trying not to let the paranoid thoughts start :(

I did a bunch of repotting this evening. Not sure my dragon trees are going to still like me. The got bumped from the big pot. The umbrella tree needed a bigger pot though. I think I need to get another Big pot. For the larger dragon tree. Then the smaller one can have the pot it's in now, and I can put that one geranium in the pot the smaller one is in so the geraniums can all match again. I put Indigo's geranium in a new pot. And the mini rose in that pot (the mother's day geranium/pot)

Almost their bed time, and then I'm going to watch some tv. Really enjoying warehouse 13. Too bad I'll be done before it starts season 3 in July. But I also have Game of Thrones to start, and i haven't watched the newest sanctuary yet. The one for this week will be out already, lol.

Actually. I'm tired of the whining and fighting. It's bed time now.

Toodles Doodles.

~Sara