Messed Up

That's me! Not sure I care to get into the why's.

Been a lazy sunday. Got some dishes and laundry done. And some cleaning in my room. Trying to find energy and ambition, but yet again they are escaping me.

Anxiety has been bad all day. From first thing this morning. Have only had a few moments here and there when it wasn't making my heart pound. Cant say I'm all that thrilled. It makes for an exceptionally long day, trying not to do crazy things to try and alleviate the anxiety.... and failing.

I can't say I'm all that thrilled to be in this increasing pit of anxiety again. Of course I also say it coming. The situation at the root is still not resolved. Sooo now I alternate between being twisted up in knots, the fight or flight stuff, oooor totally drained and just wanting to sleep.. sleep and not deal with anything. Just sleep until it's all over. And if I don't sleep, I cry. OH my gosh what a lovely little mess am I. It's the winter of 2005 allll over again. Goody. Next step.. hopefully to be completely avoided, though it has dipped there a few times already.. suicidal thinkings. Yep. Pass.

Small group tonight. Been awhile, so yay.

Zoe's going to sleep with me tonight. See if that helps me any. She's excited to, so I don't feel badly :P Indigo wants to.. but.. I'm worried about waking up in a pudle :P lol. I kinda got fond of NOT waking up in a puddle. The girls used to sneak into my bed in teh wee hours every night, up until Xander was born. I missed them, but.. found.. I didn't miss waking up in a puddle. Xander used to come sleep with me, up until he stopped wearing diapers, and then I had to stop it because.... I didn't like waking up in a puddle :( Especially when I got this bed I have now, which my back LIKES, and has never had a problem with...

Blogger and MSN running together does not seem to make for a happy internet connection :/ Whacked.

I'm so tired of fighting to deal with stuff. Just make up your blasted mind already. I made up my mind. I can't work towards a goal that requires two people to be working toward to get the desired result if the second person isn't entirely committed.

And that's about that. NOT that anyone else cares. Apparantly it's all in my head.

I have NO freaking idea what's just in my head and what's not anymore. I'm completely... lost. And trying not to be fatalistic and oh woe is me but... *sigh* Woe is me :P

And not even being given the chance to prove that I can be not crazy now that I am more Aware of the crazy, just makes it even harder to NOT be the crazy.

So sick and tired of the stupid freaking loops that feed each other into a downward spiral.

Well. I'm going to bike to small group tonight, so I should probably get going here in the next few min. Not sure how long biking over there will take...

I cleaned up my tea a bit this afternoon too. Used up the last two green tea with mango, which got rid of a box. Tomorrow I'll have a cup of chai so I can get rid of that one last bag, lol (I have more in loose tea form. I wonder if it'll work to add powdered creamer to it... it's rather harsh without the dairy, but I have no other dairy... we shall see. but that will get rid of that container)

Ok, well, guess I'll ramble off now :P

~Sara