Summer Daze

It's rather difficult to NOT get all journalistic when typing this up. I do have an online journal, so when I sit to type about a day I'm rather used to just... typing almost everything, lol, whiiiich I don't want to do here, lol. Well, do and don't. y'know?

Still working out how far and in what directions these blogs should be going. It would probably be good for me to open up, but at the same time you don't want to say TOO much... I find myself worrying about what people will think if they read this or that. I need to wrap the brain around the fact that likely slim to none will actually be reading any of this, and if there is anyone reading it, they probably don't care Nearly as much as I think they do.

There's also wondering if I should mention that person. I am so used to editing him Out of conversations and such, because it helped me to avoid conflict, which I don't particularily care for. For so long dealing with other people on teh topic, I've been forced to focus on the negatives All the time, and perhaps that's part of what is making this situation so difficult for me. I... I don't know how? to focus on the good As Well as deal with any negatives, to not anticipate negatives, and in anticipating, and reacting IN anticipation, I make them happen. It's a self perpetuating loop. I have a lot of those. Trying to work on em.

.....This blog could turn more journalistic than my journal.....

Which could be good. I do have a paper journal as well, but stuff like this I can't really get into, because I write myself into a downward spiralling loop. If I write here, or in my online journal, where other people read, I kind of stop myself? I self edit, and then I don't get taken down that spiral Quite as badly. Still do sometimes, but.. there's that whole put on a happy face for others thing. Don't ever reveal too much. Kickback to childhood.

I stopped blogging in here because I had, what is now a fancy name for stalker, a creeper, who was checking everything I did and said online. SO I just stopped writing in here. I actually have a few blogs on blogger here, I have the one I created for school assignment purposes.. no need to go there really, lol, but I also have a Book Blog and I have a Sewing Blog neither of which have I updated in about a year exactly-ish (May and June 2010) (if you mouse over the names there, they're linked to said blogs. Yes, I have html skillz. Not as good as they once were, I could whip up a pretty decent webpage, but I haven't in a long while so I don't remember all teh stuff I used to know. Very frustrating)

I will try to get back into those as well. The book one I was just reading SO many books last summer, I couldn't keep up with myself, and being perfectionistic, if I couldn't get them All, it didn't seem right to just do this or that. The sewing one.. well.. I haven't done as much sewing as I used to. And I haven't sewn anything so far in 2011. It's very sad. I have lacked a lot of creativity the past few months. It's jsut.. gone. I Want to do stuff I enjoy again, but.. yeah.

Of course, with blogging, you don't always get feedback, that's one of the things about my journal that I like, I get feedback, but they're not people I know personally/loally so.. I feel more comfortable talking about stuff? Like if I get judged it's not As big a deal as if it was someone I see regularily around town.

I know i need to worry less about what other people think, but it's a hard mental state to change after almost 30 yrs living in it. Deeply ingrained since childhood.

I finished reading the perfectionism book yesterday. So very much to process. It hasn't left me in a happy place.

So, ok. Talking about stuff on here I think would be good. And if I get judged or whatever... then I guess I do. Not Quite as calm about that as it comes across in text.

Oh Cool:



(I hope that embed code works, have never tried it in blogger) It just played on Cinemix. Online radio station through shoutcast, on winamp. I was like.. hmmm.. Why is that familiar?? Beeecause it's Duran Duran :)

So anyway. Trying to avoid getting nto anything nitty gritty, lol. Unconsciously seeking out other topcs to ramble about.

Sean came out today. (oh lets just jump into the nitty gritty shall we? Like that first jump into the pool.. it's going to be cold, the body's gonna go OMGWTHeck!!! but eventually you get used to it and enjoy it.... I hope...) We talked... I am a bit frustrated.. I wish I knew for certain whether or not what I've said has registered/sunk in. That sounds harsher than I actually mean it, but.. Sometimes I feel like.. I'm talking and just getting smile and nodded. Which tends to lead to my harping on the same thing over and over.. :/ which I'm sure DOES get ignored. Well who wouldn't right? I do it with the kids sometimes.. same. thing. over. and. over. You just tune out. I don't know why I would think it to be any different for My harping on the same thing over and over.

Anyway. I just.. I want things to work out. I realize there is no guarantee, but I would like things to end that way. But I don't feel like.. like I can give an effort when I have it all to lose emotionally, and he has a back-up... basically. I would like us (look at me avoid a "should" statement... you'd've had to've read the book..) to be on the same footing in that regard at least. That's what's feeding my loop of fear and being paranoid. Which causes me to react, to try and stop the loop and gain some balance and security.

I have my special little issues, I am trying to work on them, but, I don't think this is something that's unreasonable to ask, and I really can't change everything, at once, with the flip of a switch or something. I don't feel safe working towards commitment with someone when he's got that other option Right There.

I second guess myself a lot, especially now.. but.. I honestly don't think this is being extreme or whatever you want to call it. I am, generally, pretty sane despite my quirks... the crazy isn't me. That other person in my head just sits back in shock saying.. dude... why?

I'm afraid of the dark. Don't like it. I want to ither be standing right there in the middle of the light, confonting, but in a way still hiding as well, or I want to run and hide.

Anyway. Enough about that, becasue I know I can get off on a ramble psycho-analyzing and such.

He came out, we talked, we visited... Went to bumper to bumper to see about an app for his car, saw Greg.. with.. QUITE the hat, lol. maybe it's because I seldom ever usually see him in a hat, when he does wear one it's really weird, lol. Like seeing a guy who DOES wear a hat all the time without one.. Really Weird.

Came home. Listened to music. Moved the dresser downstairs. Which was awesome. I almost did it myself yesterday. Stubbornly independent. Well.. I just don't like to ask for help.

White knight complex somewhat perhaps. I want someone to swoop in and save me from having to do everything. Which is embarassing to admit.

I love to take care of my family. It's frustrating and "what's the point??" in a few situations, but overall, that's where I feel content. But I can't do everything, though i try. (And if I can't do it I try to go without) It'd be so incredibly nice to have someone else there to do the stuff I can't. To save me when I need saving, to know when i need saving and just swoop in without my having to ask.

I am increddible tired and drained from havng to do Everything myself, and be everything for everyone, without getting much back. The number of people who have said "I don't know how you do it" well.. neither do I really.. I do it because it has to be done. I do it because my kids need me to do it. I'm not perfect, I'm not awesome, I have failings, and areas where I should be doing better.. there's so much more I wish I could do/be.

Friends gave us a computer. I'm considering setting it up in my room. My laptop pretty much lives upstairs now that it's capable to wire it to both tv and stereo. But we'll see. It'd be nice to have something for just my stuff, that's a bit.. More? than the laptop.. for working on digital scrapbookery or journalling. Get into sewing for Etsy again, keep track of stuff.. and.. yeah. We shall see. (WOW! It's got a slot for the old square discs!! I haven't seen one of those in YEARS... )

This is an incredibly long ramble. I applaud you if you're still reading.

I am disappointed Sean did not stay longer. I wish I could be more like the kids.. excited for teh time they get, look forward to the next time, not dwelling on the time apart. Maybe I'm afraid he won't be back. That as long as he's here, I know he's here, and whatever is going to go wrong and take him away, isn't going to happen as long as he's here. Plus it just never feels like enough time. It's like as soon as he's here, he's got to go again. I'd like a week. A week of just time with him. To be with him, and get to know him again.

Which is.. crazy and unrealistic *sigh* I'm sure, but.. that's how I feel. The past few months have been spent going crazy over that one thing, haven't been able to get past it and get to know the him he is now. Nor he the me that is now. I'm not a scary crazy person under normal circumstances. And I'm sure there's stuff that's not going to click that we need to find and figure out... I can think of a couple right now. But how do you approach them when you're not sure whether it's actually worth the effort.. if you're just going through the motions until whatever is actually going to happen happens.

I try not to let all my fears control my life. But it's difficult at times, especiay when they touch on the kids.

I should reeeeeally stop rambling.. no one wants to read a novel. Well.. not when they come to a blog anyway, lol.

I am in a crazy spinning place right now.. with everything coming unhinged that I thought was stable.. seeing things about myself that I'd just shrugged off before but now see as something deeper and.. yeah... I feel things getting out of hand, and I'm trying to find.. at least a rope bridge of some sort, to walk on through it all. I feel like.. if I can get that one thing headed in a direction I can kind of sort of.. well I guess control.. then I can handle the other stuff. Right now, I have no path, I have no direction, I don't know if I'm up or down, my old path... it's been ripped up board by board and the rope is burning. I need that one piece, which unfortunately relies upon somebody else. I say that's unfortunate just because I have a hard time relying on anyone else.. thank you mother.. and.. it's very scary for me. I know i can't control the outcome of that situation, but I CAN control how *I* am in it, what I do or do not do. I just need.. that one thing. I need that rope laid down, so I can build the rest. Then I have somewhere somewhat secure to stand, to deal with everything else.

Why can't I just do the little thing here or there and build on those.. well.. because I have nowhere to stand at the moment.. my security of home and how I do things? My usual foundation? It's all in an upheaval at the moment, with no sign of settling down in the near future. Rehashing the past, figuring out they why's and when's and such to get on the right track to fix the things that are wrong with me... I.. have no foundation.. I'm very lost, and in the dark.. and it's not good. Mentally casting about to try and find something on which to stand on...

Ok. Enough about that for now. Talking in circles like it runs through my head.

I copied out a checklist.. of sorts.. from the perfectionism book:

- is this situaion as important as it feels
- what if this situation doesn't go my way? does it really matter?
- do I need to control this situation
- is my way the only way to view this situation
- would another person necessarily see this situation the same way I do
- what if things don't work out the way I want them to
- do I know for sure that things will turn out badly if I don't get my way
- will getting angry result in the outcome that I want

The end of the book was Very depressing/upsetting for me. Was OCD/OCPD, anger, social anxiety.. and.. yeah. When you're reading, and what you are reading is YOU... it's... very difficult. I spent 45 min standing in the shower, just.. going back.. going over things I have done.. and.. just... feeling very.. unhinged. Last night and today, wondering how much I have passed on to my kids.. seeing things in what they do as being my fault.. worried I've passed on some of my issues. Finances for me right now are beyond unhinged.. trying to get straight but... can only do so much at a time.

I am unhinged on every level. I want to give up and run away. But I can't so I keep plodding, trying to find my rope brdge. SOMEthing to hold onto while I sort everything else out.

Ah. Looping.

Warehouse 13 is really good. They brough up trek in one of the episodes I watched last night. That makes it epic win, lol.

I am so tired. But I can't sleep. I am so anxious, but I can't find peace. I want to retreat and go into seclusion. To just shut down. But I can't.

~Sara